Emotionally Unavailable

I had the luxury of time to dive into the deepest parts of myself and question my underlying problem on relationships: why don’t they last?

I confess I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted for a year, it’s almost always under three months, and after that, I always do what I’m most good at: to run.

I almost feel proud whenever someone asks me about my exes because they all have one thing in common — that they’re all cute. But what can you do with cuteness when all you get is a road to therapy at the end.

I’m 22, so I can’t use the excuse that I’m too busy at school for love, or that my parents told me not to be in a relationship yet.

I’m at a legal age when I can get married if I wanted to.

I used to put the blame on anyone else but myself, why didn’t it work out? Because he had another girl, or because my parents broke us off, both circumstances which are toxic in their own right, but I know deep down that’s not the ONLY reason at all.

I keep being attracted to broken people, to people who are emotionally unavailable.

And I get the sense of responsibility to fix them when I encounter one. This is it, I say, I will be the one to change them, I will fix them. When it fails, I self-sabotage and perceive myself as a failure too. It didn’t work out because of me, because I’m not pretty enough, because I didn’t give everything I’ve got. The thing is, I gave everything I’ve got that I got burned out.

All that’s left are ashes from the last relationship and somehow I can still light a fire from those ashes jumping from one relationship to another. Different bodies, same issues, different persona, same problems. It’s a cycle I got caught up in, and it hurts my pride to admit that YES I AM THE ISSUE. It feels liberating to say that yes, I am the issue.

I didn’t understand how the law of attraction works back then, but I think I’ve got a clearer view now: You attract what YOU ARE. Say that again, you attract what you are. I know if I don’t fix this issue, it will perpetuate until the end of this life, and I got scared. Because what if the universe will send me, finally send me someone, someone meant for me, call it destiny whatever, but what if finally it happens and I’m not ready yet. To be honest, I also got tired of the same bullshit, it’s old news now. Me being attracted to some emotionally unavailable person, it’s tiring to be at it again and again.

I envision myself in the warm light of love, the one that makes you smile thinking about in the morning. The one that assures you despite the distance, the one that embraces you on a cold night, the one that will be there for you when you are young, wild, and crazy, to the middle age you where stability is right on the corner, and when you age like fine wine sitting in the rocking chair drinking wine and dancing on broad daylight.

I used to think I’m not capable of love that will last for 20 years or more, but now it’s something that I keep thinking about. Like an old best friend who’ll grow old with you, hold your wrinkly hand, and be there when your hair turns gray.

It’s one step to forgive myself, another one when I consider that future a possibility. For now, it’s as far as I can get. For now, it’s just me witnessing my own growth and owning up to my own bullshit. One day, that person will catch up, and we will meet in the middle — from there it will be happily ever after.

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English Is Not My First Language

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